I was recently in a mall in Israel, and I saw this store called, “Man’s Store.” It had all these cool neat, totally superfluous, needlessly complicated, gratuitous flashy wacky crazy stuff with way too many buttons and I fell in love. Men also have their own channel now. It’s called SpikeTV, the first network for men. And you know what? They have their own jewelry, too. Men’s rings are all the rage. As a matter of fact, I am actually wearing men’s rings right now.
Men’s wedding bands are usually signified by their extreme hardness, thickness, and nifty needless peacocking flair. My men’s ring is made of the second hardest material on the planet, what they make the Jaws of Life out of, tungsten carbide. These men’s rings are so hard they will never, ever scratch. And they’re heavy. And they’ll beat the crap out of that guy who keeps taking your lunch money. Such are men’s rings.
If you’re a real testosterone-infested male who loves real men’s rings, you’re not going to settle for gold rings, which can scratch and dent if somebody breathes on them the wrong way or makes them feel bad. Even platinum, the most expensive metal on the planet, scratches if someone insults its mother. You can’t make men’s rings out of that stuff.
Tungsten carbide, though, isn’t your only option for real men’s rings. Titanium, even though tungsten carbide can cut through it easily, does not get scratched as effortlessly as gold or platinum. So titanium can make somewhat acceptable men’s rings.
Men’s rings of the future include materials that cannot yet be synthesized due to a soft, womanly lack of technological sophistication at the present time in the human race. These theoretical ultra mega awesome men’s rings would be made out of beta carbon nitride, predicted to be harder than diamond.
Another material for men’s rings of the future would be aggregated diamond nanorod rings. Aggregated diamond nanorods are carbon balls called buckytubes, heated to 2237oC, using a 5000 metric ton anvil press. Man does that sound manly. Read that sentence again and absorb the manliness. Form these compressed carbon buckytubes somehow into a ring and you will have men’s rings that can scratch a diamond effortlessly. Man are those manly men’s rings.
